London-based cook and writer Jago Rackham has a very strong opinion on just about everything. This is a blessing because he also has delicate taste and a healthy disdain for nonsense, which makes it painfully easy to see where things go wrong, and gives him the clarity (and authority) to show how things can go very right. So, as someone that has been personally victimised by “beet” wellington once too often, I decided to ask him: Where are Christmas dinners still going wrong?
From someone who cares deeply, judges lovingly, and just wants your Christmas to be a success: here’s what not to do during holiday hosting.
What is the Christmas dish people think is impressive, but almost always isn’t?
I’m suspicious of beef Wellingtons, I think they’re perverse and in most cases hold form over function.
What’s the easiest way to ruin Christmas dinner without realising you’re doing it?
Doing too much. What happens is that people who don’t cook that often, and certainly not professionally, try to cook a rather complex meal – many components, many different cooking times – for lots of people in a small domestic kitchen. Without, even, enough surfaces for chopping and resting. The food tends to be mediocre, but that’s fine because it will be disguised by gravy and alcohol. The real tragedy is that the cook will be unhappy and resentful.
Home cooks shouldn’t be so hard on themselves! But sometimes people can do better. Is there something you think people should never bring to a Christmas potluck?
Anything, anyone, cooks is by definition a treat. So no, nothing should be barred. And even things bought are perfect. It is insulting, however, if what’s brought is clearly from the nearest corner shop or bodega, since that shows a lack of thought. So I suppose the answer is bring anything, but make sure it is considered.
What can you tell about guests from the dishes they bring to the potluck? (include examples?)
If you bring caviar you are showy. If you bring unsalted nuts you loathe your friends. Oranges mean you’ve read too much Dickens.
What’s a food trend that becomes completely intolerable at Christmas?
None. I love everything everyone does.
When does “helping in the kitchen” become a crime?
I’m very bad at letting people help. I’m trying. It probably becomes a crime if you are more experienced than the cook and make suggestions, offer unsolicited tips, peer over their shoulder, stir pots you’ve not been asked to stir. Something I try not to do, but do nonetheless.
What’s your worst Christmas food memory, and was it forgivable?
The first Christmas after I’d stopped drinking – I was confident, because I’d always cooked very drunk, and the food had been mostly good – I overcooked the capon in a way I’ve never overcooked a piece of meat before. I could have cried. One tries to practise self-forgiveness.
What vegetarian centrepiece feels actively hostile to the people eating it?
Ha! I think the baking of whole vegetables (swedes, celeriac, cauliflower) speaks of real hostility. Occasionally, such a method can be fine, mostly it isn’t. Also that hummus turkey.
Hummurkey lives in my nightmares. What’s the worst possible Christmas playlist choice?
Anything by Michael Buble.
What topic should absolutely not be raised at the Christmas table?
Calorific content.
How do hosts keep finding ways to punish non-drinkers without realising it?
Not even bothering to buy a six-pack of Diet Coke.
Do you have tips to make food look beautiful without actually being very good at cooking?
Simplicity is best, eschew flowers and so on. Wear a pretty dress.
Words by Pykel van Latum
Images courtesy of Jago Rackham
