Perfume to wear when you're caught cheating in 4k at the Coldplay concert

In light of recent online mayhem, it feels right to dust off the Alignment chart. While cheating is firmly chaotic evil, Coldplay concerts are an undeniable lawful neutral (basic, not bad, but if someone is a megafan, I’d raise an eyebrow). Now, if you mix the two? You’re bound to end up with publicly displayed romantic turmoil, especially if you’re a married tech billionaire hugging your HR manager on the kiss cam. The past week has been one finger-licking good unfolding of this juicy, scandalous story – everybody loves watching a billionaire’s downfall. And as Jay-Z (Mr. Cheater Supreme) once said: “What’s better than one billionaire? Two.” We don’t know how rich Kristen Cabot is exactly, but she’s definitely got stocks… in something.

Naturally, I found myself wondering what that moment would smell like. If it were me, that scent would haunt me forever: something lingering, like regret, or vanilla musk. But thinking about it more, I realised quickly that every key element in this story evokes a specific olfactory equivalent. My personal interpretation would be that Chris Martin smells like jeans, chalk, or a white t-shirt – but this whole scandal has brought to my attention that he is actually the owner of a perfume brand. He even has a scent called “Finding Forbidden Love”… Gasp?! 

For Hugging at a Coldplay Concert (The Moment Right Before Everything Went to Shit):
I’m looking for something fun, kinda basic, kinda corny, (like snuggling at a Coldplay concert). My long-sought-after corn note journey feels appropriate here. I concluded that it’s meant to be Colornoise Crunchy Cereal Milk – which is corny and childish, slightly sticky, suspiciously affectionate. It’s giving shopping mall date night. It’s giving Claire’s earrings. It’s giving “we kissed to ‘Yellow’ once, and then I decided to marry my high school sweetheart”. Wear if: you thought you’d get away with PDA in the school hallway. Now you need something nostalgic to pick you back up. 

For Andy Byron, the Tech Bro CEO Who Thinks He’s Untouchable:
I’m looking for something that gives off poison, gluttony, wealth and, annoyingly, power. Immediately, Paco Rabanne’s 1 Million comes to mind, a classic gold bar, but it also feels a bit too prepubescent for this 50-year-old. I found a scent that smells like money and credit cards: HelloHelen:  Easy Money and Fast Love. Reeks of a crypto scam in the DMs, bonus season, rum, frankincense, and poor decision-making. Even in its only Fragrantica review, a user states, “I liked smelling like a rich asshole”. Wear if: you believe HR policy is a suggestion and NDAs are just love letters from Legal. You want to smell like success. 

For The HR Exec Risking It All:
She’s giving corporate feminism with a diversity certificate from Etsy and a matching wine glass that says Girl Boss. I’m looking for something that has to do with bureaucracy, policing false ethics, and is money-driven. This is for the woman who didn’t just take the sexual harassment module. She wrote it, then found her way around it. How about Toskovat Anarchist A – smelling like both credit cards and priest clothes. Perhaps it’s a reach, but… Like priests, HR is kind of there to police desire, contain relationships, and protect the institution, aren’t they? Maybe this is a complete stretch. Then Holynose Tirage is better – smells like paperwork and glue, symbolising “hold the company together” (but secretly sticking a little too close to the boss, hey?) Wear if: you have to send yourself and your lover a compliance email. You like the scent of freshly printed files.

For Megan Kerrigan, the wife watching It All Unfold Online
Her last name: removed from facebook. Her lawyer: looped in. The locks on their properties: changed. What represents the scent of fury mixed with embarrassment and knowing you’re financially set for life? Of course, she smells like Dries van Noten’s newest addition to their fragrance collection, Havana Gold a.k.a. heirloom rage in a refillable bottle. She was drinking something brown, was wearing something backless, and was smoking a cigar while leaning on their leather sofa when she watched the betrayal unfold in real time, online. Then she realised that while she may not have been invited to the Coldplay concert, she’s still very much holding the keys to the kingdom. Her tobacco scent clings to the walls – a trace of her that’s impossible to get rid of, kind of like the bills she’ll be sending him forever. Wear if: your marriage ends, but your art collection expands.

The Young Lady to the Right of them that has all the Tea
She just watched both her bosses go full scandal in real time. She knows exactly which board member is about to quietly “step away.” This is probably the most juicy her job has been so far, or perhaps will ever be and she will never stop talking about it. To represent her, I’m looking for something fresh, young, but with the anxious sparkle of knowing the company’s about to get sued. For her sake, let’s say she will be victorious in the end. Perhaps Fiesta del Agave flâner, a festive green scent with a hint of green chili. Vibrant and fun, but don’t underestimate the sting. Wear if: you know where the bodies (and texts) are buried. You could use a nature retreat. 

The Panic on the Jumbotron:
I’m looking for something to represent that feverish cold sweat that you break into when you know you’ve really fucked up. It needs to smell animalic, like an adrenaline rush, a hot flash, and an ice bucket challenge at the same time. I’m looking for a scent to be in your face, like that camera. The vibe is flashbulbs, clammy palms, your industrial strength deodorant fighting for its life… The (now discontinued) Sylhouette Molotov Cocktail smells like sweat, adrenaline, vodka, and some gasoline (makes me think of burning the evidence). Users review this as smelling like pure fear. Wear if: you’re suddenly aware of your pores and choices. You desperately want not to be the only one feeling like that.

For the cameraman of the Jumbotron:
A scent to represent the unintentional chaos agent, scanning the crowd, maybe looking for someone with a fun hat or a Coldplay tattoo, and instead, you caught the biggest scandal of 2025 in 4K. Was it fate? Was it instinct? Was it Chris Martin’s divine hand guiding the camera toward Astronomer’s biggest PR-disaster? The most literal fragrance match I could find for a camera is ‘instant film’, like in this Comme Des Garçons 125 Vogue perfume, a scent that smells like polaroids, headlines, and corporate affairs developing in real time. It also includes cashmeran, which I misread as cameraman, so.
There’s also Warm Bulb by Clue Perfume – shaped like a soft, incandescent circle, like the lens itself. Smells a bit like electricity: inhale too hard and it singes your nostrils, an olfactory electrical fire. Perfect for when the light is too bright, and the footage too damning. And of course, what better scent than “Finding Forbidden Love” a.k.a. Chris Martins own fragrance, (You literally  cannot make this up.) Wear if: you were really good at where-is-Waldo-type picture books as a child, or if you’re somehow related to the Oracle of Delphi.

For Grace Springer, Whose Video Exposed it All:
The viral video was filmed by Coldplay fan Grace Springer, a woman from Jersey Shore, who later said she didn’t know who the couple was when posting. She reflected, iconically, “A part of me feels bad for turning these people’s lives upside down… play stupid games… win stupid prizes.” I hope she’s doing well. I picture her leaning back on the porch, watching the sunset AND the mess unfold with a fruity cocktail in her hand. Demeter does a bang-on Sex on the Beach, a fruity scent that smells like tanning oil and Lifesavers Candy – which feels like living it up in Jersey Shore to me. I hope she sleeps comfortably, knowing she entertained so many with her innocent fan video. Wear if: you identify with lawful good AND chaotic evil. 

For Chris Martin Himself
To be completely frank, I imagine this dude smells like jeans. What else is the scent equivalent of strumming a guitar? Maybe the very “normal” smelling Bath and Body Works – Stone Washed: jeans and chamomile. Or Pepe Jeans: So Bold, has jeans in the name, but has fragrance notes of a white t-shirt. (Or is that just a more interesting way to say it smells like laundry detergent? Either would work.) What else do you need when your songs make you billions while strangers emotionally implode to “Fix You”? His own scent line already feels too complex to assign to him. Wear if: your style is aggressively mid but you’re still celebrated because you’re a white man and a musical genius (to most).